Namaste

With how tired I am right now, I have no idea how my eyes are still open. My brain is awake and I have to pee. I really thought I posted not too long ago saying that I don't really love anal... because I don't. Not saying I'd know.. because I don't. Things have been pretty good lately and it's kind of weird. Like, not a bad weird.. just a I'm not use to this kind of weird. I have something good. I'm having good times. It's kind of like all I had to do was clear my mind of everything and all was at peace. Except.. blah. I guess I never spent so much time being nice to somebody who wasn't nice back. Wasted so much time I guess but no regrets. Cool. I have the best thing in the world for me. Cedar Point coming weekend, birthdays, then Chicago again. I'm most excited for Chicago really. It's fun being anywhere but here. Sara is going onto the roof this time.. Cedar Point would be more fun if I could stomach rides. Story of my life: sitting on the bench. I hate that my mom fucked up my insurance.. I guess whatever. Thank you for the extra jobs to pay for my fucked up-ness. That's a whole nother complaint I will never get to. Random cramps all over my body will be the death of me. I wish it were my time of the month.. explanation is all I've ever wanted. I need new glasses also. I've always had 20/20 up until...apparently just a week or two ago. I have astigmatism but it's never been bad. I have to wear my old glasses while I drive now though they don't even help so much. Another night, same problems.

I again can't sleep. I suppose it's really not that late. I've been playing Robo Defense on my phone for hours now. That's what happens when your phone has a ridiculous amount of pointless apps... I actually just downloaded a livejournal assistant for say. If I had more of a life, I don't think I would have admitted that. But what do I have to lose? My head hurts too bad to get sleep though. I suppose thats just my usual story. I had Megan feel my head the other day to make sure I wasn't losing it... my head really does throb. You can feel my head pounding. Literally. I mean, I don't think thats normal but if you disagree, raise your hand. I'd like to hear. I would list all the things wrong with me at the second but you'd think I was kidding.. that or understand why I don't get out of bed. I need lazier friends. Ok, so I need more friends in general.. I was never good at socializing. I guess I'm pretty awkward. I even look awkward. I need to fix my posture. I'm like 5'10 standing up straight and somewhere around 5'8 1/2 when slouching as normal. Sick. With that being said, I've been kicking myself lately with what I'm not doing with my life.. I really thought I'd be much further than I am now seeing as I've only wanted one thing since I was five years.. ragh I'm boring. Kali comes to life.

Failure is not a word I would like to shake hands with. I cannot say that enough. And it's all too possible that I'm making contact. I need to leave Michigan. I've felt that way since I was ten. I need to get away from here and everybody around. I need to get away from this giant cloud of doubt that's been hanging over my head. I need to be in a place where I don't have to think about how much you hurt me everyday. I need to be away. Maybe then I can truly be happy. And then again, maybe not. I feel as if I get more bitter as the day goes on. I've been told I'm a boring bitch from the people who should be saying the opposite. If you find me boring, you'd think you wouldn't hang around me, am I right? Maybe you're the reason I'm not happy. Maybe I couldn't be happy without you. Moral of the story is, I've got to get my head on straight and figure out who the fuck I am and what I'm doing here. And I'm not sure how long that'll take. In other news, its kind of fun when you realize something
and it all works out the way you secretly wanted it too... and then hey, fuck feelings.

suck my dick

The past two years of my life have been the worst. No other words to describe them than horrible.


Who cares about the new year. I am so incredibly scared. Why the hell do I push something nice away? ...every time? Fuckin a!

I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life...Injuries and all. My body gave up completely three hours ago. It is it's final run. It's over. And I really don't feel well. I know that I only use livejournal to complain but..it's working for me. I have to go watch third graders run around an apple farm for two or three hours now. I'll be the coolest chaperone there, betcha ten bucks.

I ruined my camera. Blaghckchhchc

Forget it. Forget it. Forget it? ....Though, I really don't want to. Wanting, needing, feeling hurts. And nothing is fair.

I could bore you with my thoughts but I just don't think that I'm going to tonight. I mean, to sum it all up it'd just be something like 'fuck fuck fuckin faaaaaaawk' y'know? Well.

What is perfect to you?
Perfect to me...is this pencil I got at the dentist office the other day. It writes so lovely. If you're asking what I think is perfect in a person. Well, I guess a perfect companion would be something like this pencil I have. Somebody who could draw out the most wonderful times and thoughts together. But, could erase the bad ones.. S'pretty too! Maybe, also, someone who'd laugh up the same jokes as I would. Someone who believes in me as I could believe in them. Someone who sees into me, not at me. Somebody who sees me as genius...but, doesn't let me know. Someone who sees me as beautiful but, doesn't let me know. Someone who will wait for me in all aspects of life. Somebody who can relate to how I'm feeling. Somebody who my brothers' are fond of. Somebody who is happy. Who can make me happy. But, somebody who is sad some times, too. Who isn't afraid to show emotion. Who'll make sure there's never an awkward moment. Somebody to love. Somebody to like. Somebody to kiss. That is perfect. Somebody who is the complete opposite....Well, they could very well be perfect, too.

Do you believe in dating?
Yeah. I do. I mean, I believe that if you meet someone who you see great potential in and they see it back, y'all should give it a try. When has trying ever hurt anyone? Might've a few times. That's beside the point. It's nice getting to know anybody for any given reason..especially when you find them interesting. And in the end(if there shall be an end) you're left with a great friend. Who will forever know and understand the deepness to you. Well, unless you fuck said person over and they don't want a thing to do with you. That's not nice.

Is there somebody that you want to date right now?
You know it. Hah. With what was just said, there is of course somebody I would love to get to know and become close with. I'd love to spend the time and the feelings. It's just...well, it's just hard to get to that fuckin' point damn it! 

Do you kiss everyone?
No. I don't kiss everyone. I don't even kiss anyone. Well, I do. But, not many...Or well, you know. I honestly don't see kissing somebody a contract into marriage or anything. Or as it even meaning that you're together and what not. A kiss is a nice gesture, mainly all that it is. But, then you get into other kinds of kissing and it's just..what it is. Whaaaatever!

What do you think of the last person that you kissed?
I think that she is my best friend. I think that she is a real hottie with a body. It was a cute picture that we took. Really was. Last guy that I kissed, well..you know how that goes. No. I don't even know how that goes.

Do you believe exes can really be just friends?
Oh yes. I'm friends with mine. I guess I've never really found a problem with that situation. I mean, they were that close to me at one point in time, why let them completely out of your life. But, then again, for others who've had stronger feelings and different thoughts..Hell, it could be a complete bust to be friends with your ex.

Do you trust people easily? 
Nope. Nope. And nope. I really do have a hard time trusting people completely. Though, I can be quite the chatterbox about some things..It's really only skin deep, those feelings. When you gain my trust, some heart-to-heart might go on but I really am not that deep of a person. I really don't like being serious for a long length of time. Whatdoyknow!

What would you do if the guy you liked messed around with your best friend?
I don't know. I think I'd laugh actually.

You're really upset; who is the first girl you go to?
Really, I go to Zoe first. And well, when I'm really upset..I'm really upset and before I talk to any girl-friends of mine..I'd like to get myself together. My thoughts run wild when I'm out of my mind and hell, if I called up Megan or Jocelyn while being so upset, I'd probably end up blabbering about nothing. Like, literally nothing that made sense. My answer is Zoe.

Are you keepi​ng a secre​t from someo​ne who needs​ to know the truth​?​
No. I don't have the memory to keep a secret and I'm being completely truthful. Some times that's just not fair.


Now, I'm going to stop and say that my shoes were suppose to come in the mail tomorrow but they're not coming until Wednesday and I want to cry. Yeah, because my shoes aren't coming. Fuck off.

I don't think many people read my entries. So, let me get this out . . . Leave him the fuck alone. You did not contact him in anyway. Don't fucking try to. Don't fucking pretend to. You're all full of shit. Leave him to his peace. Fuck off. Thank you.

P.S. I hate October. 

Oh my gosh. I have the biggest crush on these shoes.


SERIOUSLY?

My loooooooooooves!!!! In there. Long list. I need. Now. Don't you know? What I am saying?

( Read more... )

I used to be the kind of girl who wanted to open up the can of pop too early in the journey ...Y'know? I wanted to jump into everything. Right then. Now it hurts to get out of my bed. I must be imagining that ....But, still! Now I am making myself have fun. Starting this weekend, actually. I'm already having fun in my mind. Even if I feel like I could be dying on the outside. Am I this sick again? Who cares? It's nothing new. Never nothing new. I don't like new anyways. Like updating this ...What?

Remember when I said to take your time..I can wait? I don't know what I was thinking. Two months seems like two years now. I guess I just really want this to happen. Why am I updating this?

I hate waking up every night from a dream..Only to realize that it was only a dream. I want to wake up to your smile. I want to hear your laugh. I wish those phone calls were real. I want to hear you say 'I'm right here.' in person..Not just in my dreams. I want to hear you yell my name, I want to hear you tell me that you love me. I want to be able to hear you, to see you, to touch for reassurance. But, what's impossible is impossible, right? There's no way around that..

I am so fucked up and so pissed off about it. I can't go out in the cold because I get fucking brain freeze or something. I can't keep food down my throat..It all comes right back up stream. I can't walk more than two inches without feeling like I'm going to pass out from feeling so tired/weak. I fucking hate this. I can't fucking stand this. I can't stand the mother fucking cold or my mother fucking body. Fuck!


In other news...Fortune cookie reads -The star of riches will shine on you beginning next month. .......Hell yes? And my coat is cute. And I look darn good in it.

I don't know why things are seeming awkward between me and everyone but I love it. I don't want to be able to talk to anybody like I use to. This is what I need..To start out fresh...To have you off my back..I don't need anybody here and now I have just what I want..Nothing! Freedom feels so nice. But, I think I might just be going crazy because I need my protection that I don't seem to have. I can't seem to find it in anybody else. I don't want it in anybody else. I am not looking. I don't think I want to be involved with anybody anymore. Not until I feel like you are looking back at me saying 'Yes! He is the one you need!' And I will fall right into that man's arms. But what the hell am I talking about? I know what, who, and where I want. I just have no clue how to get it because it will never happen. I want you to need me. I need you to need me. Just don't knock me down again. I'm still in the process of lifting myself up off the ground. It might take awhile. For now I am happy staying in what seems like a big dream. But, I will be ready when it comes. When love comes. When the cold comes. I will hold on to it. I will keep myself warm. Hallelujah!

Everyone I love...I need you now.



Come back to me now.

I'm slowly realizing that yeah, this is the way that life goes.

I want a Shar-Pei puppy more than anything in the whole world.